sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”