Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.