[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
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[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
worst…sale…ever
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.