Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
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I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Who knew!
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.