“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
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I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
This was the best day of my life
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
step 6: release the wall snake
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!