“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
My diet starts in January
of 2027
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.