*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
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Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)