Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
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Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend