“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
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TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday