Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
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“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site