Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
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If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
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