“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
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Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Canada has crack?
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.