“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
selfie game