My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
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Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Not all heroes wear capes.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.