McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
#merica