What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
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I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?