*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into