I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
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Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
no cat here
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking