*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
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RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you