If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
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Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*