Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
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I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Herpes is trending, good job people
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.