Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
You know…for fall…
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward