My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it鈥檚 mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don鈥檛 have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
me when the borders lift
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
FRIEND: How鈥檚 the new girlfriend?
ME: She鈥檚 a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she鈥檚 right here.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…馃悤馃惥馃槄
i haven鈥檛 seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain鈥檛 right
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
You know you鈥檝e been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
don鈥檛 you dare tell me journalism is dead
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that