Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
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I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Sorry. Not sorry
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.