[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
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*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.