do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
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Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
How is it still this week?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself