“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
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I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.