You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
bears
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in