I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
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I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”