When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact