I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
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My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
hackers play passwordle
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
dutch so unserious
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
He just like my cat fr
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.