Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I can fix him.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
#milo
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.