I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.