My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
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me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Great acting.. 😂
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN