*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
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Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.