All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
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Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
i hate you platonically
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Thrilling chase underway
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside