if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
absolute chaos
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…