Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
You Might Also Like
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely