Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
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therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Thinking about Jeff
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Don’t snitch tag.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle