Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
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ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?