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My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
wish me luck lads
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.