my name if I was in the mob
You Might Also Like
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Simple
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”