So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
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starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.