[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
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I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs