My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Florida be like…
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
an airline just for babies.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.