power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
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I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?