Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Growing out my freckles.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.