My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
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I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.