[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
You Might Also Like
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
pictures of spider-man
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM