My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Is this you?
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
absolute chaos
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?